As a Chinese international student who’s spent a third of her life living in Canada, I spent a long time being ashamed of my Chinese identity and the culture I embody. Desperately wanting to fit in, for the longest time, I chose to hide parts of myself that might have been too “foreign”, too “exotic”, too “weird” for the palate of this white-dominated society. And before I knew it, I started to forget what it was like living as myself, forget the life I had before this one, the language I spoke and wrote, that child who called herself 思婕 (sījié). 

As I attempt to remember and honour my past and my roots, there are parts of me that have been changed forever. The experience of living in Canada in my teen and young adult years has shaped me and forced me to grow up in a way that I would have never if I had stayed in China. 

Through this research supported by all the thinking and learning in GSWS 321, I have come to understand that being Chinese has nothing to do with specific cultural motifs, behaviours or nationality. I am enough as I am. I do not have to choose between the past, present and future; between being Chinese and being Canadian; between two different cultures and worlds. The only way to stay true and honour all of me, whether it is the innocent child 思婕 (sījié), the lost teenager Jessie, or me now as Jessie Sijie, is through integration, through showing up with all my fragmented pieces in every present moment. No more hiding, no more shame, always as a whole, just as I am. 

The project is in conversation with Crying in H mart and the story of Borshay Liem aka Cha Jung Hee. Both of these stories engage in the act of remembering and attempting to understand their unique identities. For Zauner, she honours her mother and her Korean identity through food and storytelling. As a diasporic subject, she hangs on to the memories with her mother supported by the act of cooking and eating Korean food so that she would not lose that piece of her identity as her mother passes so that she could stay whole. For Borshay Liem, she searches for Cha Jung Hee in an attempt to remember her childhood self and to construct her identity. Through her journey, she learns the histories and life stories of a few different “Cha Jung Hee”s. She comes to understand that everything that she has experienced in her life is uniquely hers just like that pair of shoes she received. All of which has made her into who she is now, switch-ups or not.